| Norm's Friday Nite Sci-Fi Drive-In
Presents: TERROR ON SPIDER RIDGE!
When Charles had visited the University last
Thursday, Professor Bernhardt had given him assurances that the new drug
he had developed for the treatment of muscular degeneration had been thoroughly
tested and was completely safe. This came as small consolation to Charles,
who was now hiding behind a bunker with a small military force because, sometime
in the last 24 hours, Professor Bernhardt had mutated into a 25-foot-tall,
blood-drinking spider monster.
"We've got bodies all up and down highway 50,"
came the voice of a young officer over the wireless communication set. "Every
last one of 'em drained of all bodily fluids. And there are dead, dried-out
animals dotting the landscape all over the desert just north of the Hossfeld
interchange."
Sgt. Oscar Falcon watched as a young soldier
moved a red marker over a map of the town of Hossfeld and its surrounding
areas, making several dots with squiggly lines protruding from the center.
"Just do X's, Hernandez," said Sgt. Falcon.
"You don't have to draw the spider every time."
"Wait a minute," said Charles, and stepped
across to them. "These numbers here are the times the monster was sighted,
right?"
"Yes, sir," said Hernandez. "All except for
this one that says '6:00.' That's when I have a date with Becky Munroe in
East Hossfeld, if she hasn't been eaten."
"Well, look here," Charles said, and began
tracing a path on the east side of town. "Here the Bernhardt Monster is moving
south, and that's at 7:00 this morning. By 7:30, he'd made it all the way
to the Cork Street Tavern, where he killed Old Joe and Smilin' Henry."
"A tragedy, about Smilin' Henry," said one
of the men. "Old Joe, though, I guess it was his time."
"But look here -- at 8:00, he's back up north
of town, and by nine he's circled all the way around the market district
to attack the school auditorium, where he ate yet another janitor."
Sgt. Falcon shrugged. "Monster's got a taste
for janitors -- nothin' new."
"Exactly!" said Charles, slamming the map with
his fist. "So why did it take him nearly two hours to get there by walking
around the market district, when he could have just crossed through the pits,
south of town?"
"Is this question rhetorical?" asked one soldier
warily.
"It is! Good call!" Charles said enthusiastically,
and pointed to the southern portion of the map. "Why would the Spider Monster
have avoided that part of town? What's down there? The salt pits, that's
what!"
"Of course!" shouted Sgt. Falcon. "When you
put salt on spiders, they shrivel up and die!"
"Actually, that's slugs," said Charles -- then,
upon seeing the Sergeant's downcast face, added, "But who says it doesn't
work for spider monsters, too? Sergeant, I'm going to need your men to go
through town and gather up all the salt they can find! Shakers, boxes, bags
and blocks!"
"Hmm," said Sgt. Falcon, eyeing Charles
scrutinously, "Normally I wouldn't have my men taking orders from a civilian,
but since you're wearing a lab coat -- okay! You heard him, men!"
Just then, the ground began shaking -- the
skyline was suddenly broken, as the monster that had once been Professor
Bernhardt rose ominously above Squigmann's Department Store building. He
calmly finished sucking on the reedy carcass of a coyote, then tossed it
aside, and scanned the evacuated town for more food.
"Great Scott, he's seen us!" shouted Charles
from beneath the coyote carcass that had just landed on him.
INTERMISSION
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